I have never been the type to lay all of my feelings out on the table. I always try to be the strong one in trying situations, and let others lean on me. Although very recently I have learned that when you let your guard down, it feels good to have comfort and support from those that care about you. I'm sometimes bad about telling everyone the right details, and at times, things are harder to talk about, and since I haven't updated my blog in almost a YEAR, I figured, there is no better place to share a few thoughts.
About 6 weeks ago, Jonathan and I found out I was pregnant! We were very excited, as we didn't want to wait too, too long in between a second and Nolan. I went to the doctor, what they thought was 6 weeks, but it wound up being off a little. We were a little bummed that we didn't see a heartbeat, since I had a blighted ovum, that ultimately had to be removed with a D&C in February, and hoped that it wasn't going to be the same thing. However, they did see a fetal pole, a baby forming, so the doctor was hopeful that it was just too soon. And she was right...
We went back a week later and the baby was measuring 6 weeks and 6 days, and had a strong heartbeat!! Yaay! I had a few minor things going on, so the doctor wanted to see me every week until 10 weeks. So the next visit was good too... a growing baby, and a heart rate of 175...
I was so anxious for that last appointment, b/c we could finally start telling people! Unfortunately, when I went in for my 10 week appointment, the news was not so great this time. The baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks, and the doctor could not see a heartbeat. Apparently, the baby was "very abnormal" according to the doctor. And there would have been a lot of complications, had it made it.
Yesterday I had to go get a D & C, which I am very grateful that they were able to get me in so soon. I was glad that the Chaplain came in, and gave us a little something to keep...
Wednesday and yesterday were days of very mixed emotions. At times I was completely fine to talk about it, while others it was very hard to hold back the tears. I also felt guilty for being sad, when others have lost so much more. But as I talked to Jonathan, and he reassured me that everything is in God's plan, I couldn't help but to think of the blessings that still came out of the situation.
According to the doctor, it was very rare for what happened to happen so early on in the pregnancy, so I am so blessed that it did happen that early.
I am blessed by so many of the encouraging words that people offered.
I am blessed knowing that I have a little baby in heaven waiting for me.
And most of all, I am blessed that I have such a wonderful husband, and beautiful boy that is the greatest blessing.
